Proteus
by Phaxsoone
Summary: James Potter has always fancied Lily Evans, but when his feelings seem to change, as do Lily's, it seems like Lily is in for a difficult year trying to win back his affections. ABANDONED :(
1. Change and realisation

**Title:** Proteus  
**Author: **Phaxsoone  
**Rating: **T  
**Summary: **James Potter has always fancied Lily Evans, but when his feelings change seem to change, as do Lily's, it seems like Lily is in for a difficult year trying to win back his affections.  
**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything; most characters and all settings are those created by the incredible JK Rowling. The people who said the quotes at the beginning are credited accordingly.  
**Author's Notes: **OK, so there are many ways this could go completely wrong, but let's try it anyway! This is my attempt at a Jily novel-length fic. Sorry for the cheesy quote at the beginning, but I want to start each chapter with an appropriate quote (probably from a song). The title of this fic is from the etymology from a real spell used in the books. If you know what it is, PM me, I'm intrigued! Please don't write it in a review though; it might ruin it for someone else. Thanks :) A huge thank you goes again to 'Lugian Before Swine', my amazing beta. It's a long chapter and it came back in record time, so thanks. I have checked, but please let me know if I have made any typos when correcting the ones Lugian Before Swine pointed out (I wouldn't put it past me!) Hope you enjoy it, let me know what you think! Please, please leave reviews – it's so lovely to receive them :)

**Proteus**

Change and Realisation

"And I was overwhelmed, and slightly scared as hell, because I really fell for you"

-Train

He was one of my best friends.

I lived with him, just us.

I went to Hogsmeade with him, just us.

I drank butterbeer with him, just us.

I laughed with him. I smiled with him.

Everything I did, I did with James Potter.

Everything platonic, anyway. We were great friends, often the only friends either of us had. Ok, he had his other mates, and I had mine, but they didn't live in the head dorms with us. They didn't arrange prefect duties, they didn't do the things _we did_. We told each other pretty much everything, re-lived our days with each other every evening. We weren't clingy, but we were always there for each other, a shoulder to cry on, someone to yell at. We helped each other with everything, and we trusted each other entirely.

That is until James Potter did the thing I least expected, ever.

He went out with Chrissie Laney.

The exact same Chrissie Laney I'd been overjoyed to get away from sharing a dorm with at the beginning of this year. The exact same Chrissie Laney who's always bullied the first years. The exact same Chrissie Laney who's been trying to get with James since second year.

James knew I hated her, and I didn't want him going out with her. He was my James. My James didn't go out with anyone like Laney, or anyone at all, to be honest. My James told _me_ everything, not some other girl. My James told _me_ the things you'd tell your girlfriend. I know I probably sound like some pathetic brat who doesn't like not being in the spotlight, but that's not it. It's just; it's _James_. James doesn't go out with anyone mean like Laney, James goes out with nice people, if anyone at all. I remember when he got his first girlfriend, in 5th year. When I found out I was so happy; he had been obsessed with trying to get with _me_, and for one reason or another and I really wasn't interested. I didn't like being rude and disappointing to anyone, even 4th year James Potter.

Anyway, now, it just felt weird for James to be going out with someone who _wasn't_ me. Weird, isn't it? All that time I hated the guy; thought he was an arrogant, self-centred, bullying, prat. Turns out I was completely wrong.

We'd been living in the head dorms together for about two months now; we'd moved in in September, just after we'd found out we would be head girl and head boy this year at Hogwarts. I hadn't been James' biggest fan last year, or any year to be honest, but this year he'd obviously matured. Enough for me to be able to stand within a ten-metre radius of him, anyway. We had developed a kind of bond, the kind you'd have with your brother or sister. We got each other out of sticky situations, lied for each other; we always had each other's backs. Of course, we fought like siblings too. We fell out about once a month, but never stayed angry at each other for more than an hour. We were as bad as each other though, always teasing, never seeing the other side of the argument; we were both very narrow minded, and it drove us both _mental_.

We literally feuded for about five years solid, before he showed me the other, nicer side to him, the side that part of me had always known was there somewhere, bursting to escape. I remember the day I first met him, and all the other Marauders too. The way they sauntered into our compartment on the train like they owned the place. I remember Sirius and James babbling away about a recent success of some random Quidditch team, Peter trying to join in and lovely, mature Remus smiling absentmindedly on the sidelines. I'd always got on with Remus, most of the time, anyway. When he wasn't involved in some worthless, mean scheme then he was genuinely a nice bloke. He and I had been Gryffindor prefects together for two years, and he really was the clever, nice guy he occasionally showed underneath the hard, typical Marauder shell. He was tall and lanky, always looking just a little too skinny. He had light brown hair, slightly floppy, but it had nothing on James and Sirius' luscious locks. Remus had a lot of hair. Weird, I know, but there isn't really any way to describe it. He always looked like he needed a haircut. He had bushy eyebrows and dark, brown eyes, with a little stubble around his chin. He had these dark, curved shadows underneath his eyes that always made him look just a tad unwell. He was your typical tall, dark, and handsome guy. But unfortunately for him, typical wasn't good enough when you were 'competing' with James Potter and Sirius Black. Everyone went on about James and Sirius, but I'd always thought Remus was a mighty fine looking bloke in his own way, though he didn't _really_ have anything on the other two, I had to admit.

Peter I've never liked nor disliked. He was never really that crucial to anything they did, not a key part of the group; he was just sort of, _there_.He helped when he could, though any plan the Marauders had would flow just fine without him. Mean thing to say, I know, but it was sort of true. He had a definite, heart-shaped face, his brown hair naturally highlighted with hints of blonde. His hairline was far back, and his hair dropped down over into his strangely thin eyebrows. He had sort of blue eyes, but also sort of brown too. He had a large nose and his eyes were far back in his skull, small and watery. I wouldn't go as far to say he was ugly – that was really mean, anyway – but when you walked around with model look-alikes like James, Sirius and Remus, there really wasn't a lot you could do.

Sirius was always joking, swearing or drinking, often all at once. He was, annoyingly, absolutely stunning. He had incredible natural beauty, his face and cheekbones angular, curving in exactly the way you needed to make your face look whole, whilst not unattractively large. His eyes were rather small, but they were close enough to his eyebrows that it didn't matter, it just exacerbated that admirable allure. He too had a little stubble, but the perfect lips to compliment it exactly. He was incredibly, amazinglyhandsome, adding to the appeal with someone like Sirius Black. He was always planning another trick, mostly when he should have been studying. He too was nice enough when he wasn't being a complete and utter arse, which was rare. He was fancied by legions of girls – mainly 5th year. Whether it was his undeniable looks or that simply _amazing_ personality (honestly, how could people be so _blind_?! Was he ever _not _being a completely annoying pain in the arse?! What was it with 5th year girls and Sirius?) there was something that made Sirius probably the most popular guy in school, opposite James of course.

James. James was, well, James was James. There really is no other way to describe him. He's the worst pranker there is, except for maybe Sirius. The two of them were like brothers, and they lived together now I think. Even before that, though, they were always hanging people upside down, chucking gunge on innocent bystanders and they were often worse than Peeves. Whatever they did, they did it together. James puzzled me though. He's clearly shown throughout the years that he can be very considerate when he wanted to. He could be kind, mature and intelligent for good reasons, when he decided to. He did these immature things because he could, and because he enjoyed it. I didn't know why he didn't just change, drop it all and just be the nice guy I knew he could be, 24/7. Be nice James all the time. He had it in him; I knew he could. He would be an ideal mate then, maybe something more. Maybe he shouldn't lose that nice little troublemaker in him _completely_, just tone it down a little. Even I had to admit that life at Hogwarts might borderline on boring without the comedic relief of the Marauders. He too was unfairly handsome as well, with hisfloppy black, untidy hair that was nicer than even Sirius'. It was curly, too. Lovely little, un-attention seeking curls, twisting round by his ears, his forehead, the nape of his neck. They weren't curls that would make you call the hair curly, just there to compliment his stunning face. His gorgeous, deep, light blue eyes, his perfectly defined cheekbones, his cute little impish grin, his flawlessly shaped lips…

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked James quietly, purposely snapping myself out of my deep thoughts. We were sat in our private common room, both doing homework, all typically due tomorrow. James was layed down on the rug in front of the fire, his ankles crossed in midair, his glasses slightly crooked.

He did not look up from his Transfiguration textbook. "Hmm?"

"Why didn't you tell me about Laney? Why did you wait for me to find out from Jen?" I questioned.

He looked up now, sighing.

"Lil'."

"You chose not to tell me, James, you decided to make me look a complete idiot by not knowing, not me. So don't 'Lil'' me."

He recoiled at my spiteful tone. I knew I was being harsh, but it had been a fairly crap day, what with being in the dark and all.

"Lily, I didn't think to tell you; I didn't think you'd _want_ me to tell you."

"Oh come _on_ James! That's pathetic! Of course I'd want to know! You know I hate her anyway!"

"Oh, _I'm_ sorry, Lily," he spat, sarcastic. "I wasn't aware I had to get your opinion on who I dated; whether you _like_ them or not!"

"Well, yeah actually James, it'd be quite nice to be considered, you know! I thought we were mates!" I threw my hands in the air in frustration. I went to get off the sofa but was stopped by a tall figure looming over me unexpectedly.

He'd got up, and come to stand in front of me, scarily quickly. Wow, he was angry. His pale eyes were literally thunderous.

"Well, guess what Lily? I don't _care_ if you like Chrissie or not, I don't _give_ a damn! I want to go out with her, so I will, whether you like that or not!"

I too, was livid, and he'd just made me angrier. I stood up putting my face close to his and bravely pointing a finger directly at him.

"Fine!" I spat, walking away towards the stairs to my dorm. "That's just fine, James,do what you bloody want, just don't come crying to me when you go and realize what a bloody huge mistake it all was!"

I never got _that_ angry with James, never. We bickered, but never got in a proper heated argument like that one. I think James could tell just how annoyed I was; he didn't follow me, or yell at me. I ran up the small flight of stairs to my room, holding back the tears and shoving my face in my hands. It was useless though. They were falling fast by the time I'd reached my bed. All the eye covering did was make me _fall _onto my bed, rather than just sit on it.

I honestly did think he cared about my opinion, I really did. Maybe that's why he didn't tell me; maybe that's why he didn't want me to know. In fairness, I guess Laney could appear rather sweet – if you were really that shortsighted. She was so mean to us. Not just Jen, Alice and I, but everyone. Every single female in the school, who wasn't Carly Kinder, hated her. She bullied everyone. Of course, most of the guys loved her, thought she was great. Unfairly, she _did_ have the perfect body. Lovely, long tanned legs that were always out with a skirt. Lean arms with perfectly maincured hands. She was flat-stomached, though constantly complained about her weight. All it did was get her attention from guys, the obvious aim. All her clothes were either designer or had designer labels sewn onto them. I wish I could say she was tacky, but that unfortunately was not the case.

It was only the few guys who had witnessed her evil side at work that knew what she was really like. Come to think of it, Peter was there when she once completely ruined Jen's potion, evidently on purpose. It had been for our mock O.W.L. in 5th year, probably the biggest and most important potion any of us had ever brewed. Laney had walked by us, dumping ludicrous amounts of lacewig flies into Jen's cauldron, making it sizzle uncontrollably, turn a violent shade of unpleasant fuschia, and eventually spill over the edges of the cauldron; the potion completely ruined. Peter had been the one who'd helped Jen out, kindly fixing it as much as he could. Had James ignored Peter's advice, or had Peter not even told him? Maybe he thought it was just an accident. Strange. Alice and I had seen it, and we'd both decided you'd have to be blind not to see the cruel intentions behind it. Did Peter not really care for his friends as much as he let on, or was he able to overlook the dark side in people? Maybe he just didn't realize. Weird, I always took Peter for an intelligent bloke.

I stayed in my room all evening, feebly ignoring James. _He_, obviously, wasn't happy with this and wanted me to talk to him. He had sent me the first of his pleading notes at about 9pm. The next at 9.02, and then 9.05, 9.08 etc. By 10pm I had about fifteen notes, all delivered by the same poor old school owl James had obviously borrowed from the owlrey. I hoped he fed it well afterwards. I shoved the notes underneath my pillow, refusing to give in to his attempts at bombardment.

I don't know why it got to me so much. James was going out with someone I disliked, so? Why should I care? It didn't matter to me, did it? James could do what he liked, when he liked; he'd made that quite clear in his time at Hogwarts. I asked myself these questions for hours and hours, having given up trying to sleep. What was it that made me hate the fact James was going out with Laney so much?! I just couldn't put my finger on it! Giving in helplessly, I also read the notes:

_**Lil', please talk to me.**_

_**Ok, I'm sorry, happy now?**_

_**Look, just answer me, please?!**_

_**I should have told you.**_

_**God, I'm an arse, aren't I?**_

_**Look Lily. I'm sorry. Please forgive me? **_

_**Ok, I'm really sorry, Lily, I need to talk to you face to face and explain everything, there is an excuse. Please?**_

_**Look, Lily just talk to me, you're being a brat!**_

_**Ok, sorry, that wasn't necessary.**_

_**Liiiiiiiiiiiily!**_

_**Fine. I'll talk to you in the morning then. You can't avoid me forever.**_

_**Night, Lil'.**_

God, he was desperate, wasn't he?

* * *

I very immaturely left the dorm in the middle of the night, when I was sure James was asleep. I left him a note telling him where I'd gone, packed a small bag with my things for the morning, and headed in the direction of Gryffindor tower. I needed some girl talk, and I needed a shoulder to cry on, and tonight, it wasn't going to be James'.

I gave the fat lady the password – James and I assigned them all; we knew every single one – and then crept up to the girl's dorms. Thankfully, my bed was still there, a safe haven I was free to return to whenever I wanted. I hadn't used it often, normally very comfortable where I was, but there was the occasion when I just needed to escape it all: the pressure; the importance; all of it. I knew James often felt the same, as it wasn't unheard of for him to do a runner back to the boys. We were very lucky to have the option of company, the option of privacy, or the option of just one of your best friends.

James was used to being dragged up in the middle of the night listening to my pointless, irrational worries, so I rarely needed to return here for those sorts of things; he was always there. He, in a way, was sometimes better to talk to than Jen or Alice. He never pushed for more information; let me tell him what I wanted and nothing more. His shoulder was often more comfortable to cry on (literally, he had a lovely shoulder) I must admit.

I dumped my bag on my bed, and then tiptoed over to Jen Lloyds, my best friend of seven years. I sneaked under her warm blankets, tapping her back, kicking her feet.

"Jen!" I hissed.

She'd always been a very light sleeper, waking at the slightest noise. I was genuinely very surprised I didn't wake her when I creaked open the squeaky door. She stirred suddenly, turning round to talk to me.

"Lily? What are you doing here?" **s**he asked, sitting up in shock.

"I_ really _need to talk to you. Can we go downstairs?"

"Really Lil'? It's like, 3am! Can't you talk to James?" Huh. I am so loved by my mates, obviously.

"Half two actually," I whispered facetiously, "and no, I need to talk _about _James."

This grabbed her attention instantaneously. _Honestly?_

She sighed, though her eyes were alive; she was excited.

"Fine, but I'd better be back in bed by three, Lil'!" she complained, climbing out of her four-poster.

"Thanks Jen, you're the best!"

"Keep talking!" she whispered, stifling a yawn.

She crept down to the common room, me right behind her. I used my privileges as head girl to summon a house elf, ordering some much needed hot chocolate and coffee.

"What's the matter, Lil'?" Jen asked once we were comfortably on the sofa, a mug of coffee in my hands, hot chocolate in Jen's. She did actually sound concerned; bless her.

"I had a fight with James."

"You _always _fight with James."

"Yeah but this is different!"

I grasped my hands tightly around my mug, biting into my lip and looking up at her. She knew as well as I did that we were as bad as an old married couple; always bickering.

"What was it about? Laney?" she gasped, catching on.

I nodded sheepishly, telling her the story. I think I realised as I was retelling it, the reason I was so upset. Eurgh! Why?!

"I think I like him now, Jen," I admitted timidly.

"Well, of course you like him _now_, you've lived with him for two months!"

"No, Jen! Like, _like _him!"

"What?!" **s**he shouted.

"Shut up!" I hissed.

"You fancy James Potter?!" She was still yelling.

"I _think_ so!"

"But, James?!"

"I think we have established who the bloke is, Jen!" I all but shouted.

She nodded, laughing. "Well, that changes things Lil'," she told me seriously.

"I know."

Wow. I fancied James Potter. I suppose it made sense. Why would I be so bothered if I didn't have feelings for him? How bloody complicated did that make it _now_ though?! _Why?!_

After a little more gossip, Jen insisted if she didn't go back to bed soon, she would pass out tomorrow, and apparently **i**t would be completely my fault. Knowing her as I did, I agreed, and we wandered on up to the dorm. Alice was on the end of the row of beds, fast asleep as usual. Then thelayout was Jen, me (when I was here), Laney and her 'partner-in-crime' Carly Kinder. They were equally as awful as each other, just twice as bad when they were together.

I climbed into bed with a sigh. It appeared I would _never_ escape them.

* * *

"Lily Evans, you _need_ to talk to him!"

After my restless night in the 7th year Gryffindor girl's dorm (probably that flipping coffee), I had woken early, getting ready for the day much before I needed to, having gotten out of bed restless. Jen and Alice - Jen having filled her in after our little chat - were now saying that I needed to talk to James, not ignore him, which was my preferred plan.

"But it'll be so embarrassing!" I complained.

"Lily, he's fancied you for ages, you really think that's changed?"

"Yes, I do actually!"

Alice sighed, folding her arms. It wasn't _my _fault! I'd never _asked_ to like him, I'd much rather not, to be honest; it was just awkward! I don't know what he thinks about me for definite, he doesn't know what I think about him, everything is so bloody complicated!

"Well we're dragging you down to breakfast right now, whether you want us to or not," Jen announced sternly, paired with eager nods from Alice.

Now it was my turn to sigh.

* * *

I stared moodily down at my buttered toast, dreading the moment he walked through the doors into the Great Hall. Remus had already questioned me repeatedly about where James was; he was obviously late. I told him I'd slept in the girl's dorms that night, thankful for an excuse. He shot me a suspicious look, but didn't push the matter.

I didn't know what they wanted me to say, 'Hi James, I think I might be in love with you, but I'm not going to tell you in case you don't feel the same, so I'll let you figure it out for yourself and leave you alone, yeah?' Right. _That _would work.

"Lily?!"

I cringed as I heard his voice, followed by his heavy footsteps as he ran down between the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw tables, drawing unnecessary attention; _way_ more than I'd have liked. I tried very hard not to look at him, but I could see he'd evidently already 'greeted' his girlfriend: there was a huge, lip shaped, bright pink stain on his cheek.

"Can I talk to you?"

I sighed. Why why _why_? Why did he want to talk to me? What would he say? Did he really need to know anything? I thought my ignorance last night proved that, actually, I would rather not talk to him right now, but obviously no one could pick up on _that _message!

Realising I couldn't ignore him forever, I got up from the table slowly, warily, and followed him out the hall, not meeting his gaze. I felt all eyes glued on us as he led the way confidently, me cowering behind him. I squealed very quietly as I dimly realized the entire hall had dropped silent. _What_ would Laney do to me after this?! I pulled my hair down over my shoulders, offering some kind of curtain.

"Nice decorations," I muttered when we got into the Entrance Hall, gesturing to his cheek. Probably immature, but I couldn't help it. He tried to rub it off, embarrassed, but he just smudged it, making it worse.

"Lily..."

I waited. If he expected me to start this conversation, he really didn't know me.

"Lily, we need to talk."

Seriously? That was the best he could do? I petulantly refused to answer. To be honest though, wasn't it rather obvious we needed to talk, despite my better wishes? Not that I knew what there was to say, but here he was, talking to me, having practically dragged me away from my breakfast. I stared at him waiting for him to start. The mad part of me wanted to laugh. Was I right? _Was _there anything to talk about? Then he began talking, shutting up my stupid brain.

"I know you're pissed at me, but I'm not going to break up with Chrissie just because you don't like it!" he shouted, losing his control.

"I never expected you to, I just thought, as a mate, you might like to tell me before you do things like that, that's all James," I retaliated instantly, angry. I too was shouting, but not nearly as loud as him.

I turned and began walking away, but he grabbed my arm just before I reached the Great Hall. I felt a tingle from where he touched me, hating that he had this kind of effect on me; how incredibly pathetic was that?!

"Lily, I need to tell you something."

"James, let go of me!" I yelled, tugging my arm weakly.

"No, Lily."

He used that tone of voice that made you cower. He wasn't going to let me go, was he?

I turned, sighing. Hadn't he hurt me enough already? OK, in fairness he didn't actually know that. I crossed my arms facing him, again waiting for him to start.

"I know, that you know that I've fancied you like crazy for pretty much forever," he began, scratching his head like he always did when he got uncomfortable or embarrassed. I felt my breath catch in my throat, my heart pound faster, harder. _What was he going to say_?! I waited, but then he continued, and I dropped all my hopes.

"You need to know that that's gone now. I mean, we're mates right? I don't want to be anything more anymore, OK? I mean; I obviously know you don't either, but-"

"James, I get it, that's fine," I said, cutting him off sharply. I really didn't want to hear any more.

Right. So that's that. Not only did he definitely not fancy me anymore, but he was also certain I didn't fancy him either, which was where he was_ really _wrong. I stared at his beautiful face; wishing I could turn back time, make him want me again. It was so unfair. Not just on me, but on him too.

This time I got away before the tears could start. I walked quickly back into the Great Hall feeling completely deflated. It hurt. Cliché, I know, but it was true. James moving on was the last thing I wanted, but it had inevitably happened. All the times he'd wanted me but I couldn't care for him, and now it was the other way round. I made myself keep my chin up – metaphorically. Literally, my chin was probably somewhere near the floor, and I was pretty much curled in on myself – being happy that at least he had bothered to tell me about his feelings; I appreciated that. I forced myself to keep walking, my target being the empty spot next to Jen.

"Ok?" she asked as I sat down.

I nodded, though I think she could tell I wasn't all right. Maybe it was the tears I could feel prickling behind my eyes already, or my hunched figure, but whatever it was, she picked up on it, and I was thankful.

"Come on," she said, pulling me up by my elbow and gesturing to Alice to come with us.

The minute we were out the door, Jen shot behind the nearest tapestry, dragging me with her. I slumped against the wall, dropping my head in my hands, the unavoidable tears flowing fast but quiet.

"Lil'," Jen whispered in surprise and pity, "What happened?"

After I had controlled the tears slightly, I told them exactly what had happened in the Entrance Hall, exactly what James had said, exactly what I had felt.

"I was right. He's changed. I need to accept that."

"Lily," Alice soothed comfortingly.

They exchanged a worried look I knew I wasn't meant to see, but then Jen hugged me tight, stroking my back. She and James were the only people who comfort me in the exact same way my mother could back home. It was them who stopped me from ever becoming homesick.

"I'm being pathetic. Why can't I just be his friend, be happy for him?" I moaned into Jen's robes, soaking them with tears, clutching at her back to keep her there.

"Because you want to be more than just his friend!" Jen whined, pulling out of my tight grip and placing her hands on my shoulders.

"I know, Jen, but he doesn't, and I can't force him to like me! It doesn't work like that, ever! He had to go through it when I wasn't interested, now it's my turn."

"But Lily, you knew he liked you, but he doesn't know you like him now, does he? He might just be _telling_ himself he doesn't fancy you anymore; he might not actually believe it," Alice pointed out.

"Yeah, I guess. Isn't it pathetic though? The minute he doesn't want me, I want him. It's ridiculous; I'm so stupid! Why couldn't I have bloody realized?!"

Jen sighed. "Lily, that's nothing to do with you, that's just the way it works!" she laughed without humor.

I took a good look at her. Jen Lloyds – with her blonde, pixie cut hair – had never been rejected. She hadn't been out with loads of guys, but the ones she had had always cared for her, looked out for her, and they were genuinely nice guys that she always liked, and they always liked her back. In the end, it was her who always had to end it. She was never mean, but she often joked that it wasn't her fault she was so desirable. She had numerous guys falling at her feet, begging her to go out with them.

"Yeah. Come on, we're going to be late for Transfiguration," I said, standing up confidently, trying to forget about Jen and her admirers.

* * *

After a few useful charms on my blotchy face, we were on our way to McGonagall's classroom. Transfiguration was one of the many classes where I sat next to James. Great. I had a plan ready though: I needed to apologise to him; I'd been _so_ pathetic. Hopefully that would clear the air slightly.

When we got to the classroom, most of the class were all ready in and sat down, though James and Laney were outside, locked in a close, tight embrace. Ignoring the unpleasant jolt in my stomach, I walked right past them and sat down at my desk. Did they really have to do it right in front of me?! No, I had to stop that. I was not involved **i**n their relationship at all. They could do whatever they want; it shouldn't – wouldn't – bother me.

The 'perfect couple' (you should hear what people are saying about them!) arrived two or three minutes after McGonagall had started the lesson, earning them a very disapproving look, but no words of warning. McGonagall never needed to open her mouth; her looks were always enough.

"Sorry, professor," James mumbled, taking his seat next to me. He smiled in my direction, a gesture I returned, evidently surprising him. I grabbed some spare parchment and my quill – as was the plan – jotting a hurried note straight away, wincing at my awful script.

** James, I'm really sorry, I've been a complete, stupid brat, and I'm so sorry! **

I shoved it in his direction, ignoring the confused look on his face. He read it, shaking his head, grabbing his quill.

_** Lily, don't apologise, it was all my fault, I should have told you, I'm sorry.**_

** Well, lets just forget about it, yeah? :)**

_** Ok. Thanks Lil' ;)**_

At this point, James got a note that had been passed forward a few rows, along with a sickly sweet smile and a wave from Laney. James read his note, his smile fading noticeably. He nodded sadly to Laney, avoiding looking at her for too long, but I could see the glare she shot directly at me the minute James' eyes had dropped back down to the parchment.

Once Laney's back was turned, James showed me the note after constant pestering on my part.

_**Stop passing notes with Evans; she should be paying attention xxxxxx**_

I passed the note back to James, avoiding looking at his face, but I felt the blood flow to my cheeks in embarrassment and hatred.

After that 'interesting' event, the lesson carried on smoothly, but slowly. Laney kept turning around and making pathetic little gestures, waving girlishly, blowing James kisses. I tried to ignore it, but it did get on my nerves. Evidently, it annoyed McGonagall too. Shame Laney never turned round to see her burning glares.

When the bell finally rang, I was very happy to remember that James, Sirius, Jen and I all had a free period now. We always spent this in mine and James' common room. James and I usually arranged to sort out prefect duties and boring head stuff whilst Jen and Sirius were supposed to be catching up on homework, but we never did. We usually just ate a load of rubbish and sat (or slept in Jen's case) in front of the fire, relaxing or teasing each other. Normally, I would blame the teasing on James and Sirius, but to the honest, we were all as bad as each other.

"Lily?" James called after me as I left the classroom happily with Jen.

"Yeah?"

"Um, Chrissie has a free period now too, I was wondering if you minded if she worked in our common room?"

Wow. Um, ok then.

"Yeah, that's cool," I said with little enthusiasm.

"Thanks," James called over his shoulder as he went to find Laney. I pouted to Jen, who rubbed my arm sympathetically.

Sirius ran after us, throwing his arm casually round my shoulders. I was shocked. He would never normally do this, unless he was trying to tick James off. Sirius must know that James had moved on, though the fact he had a girlfriend should be enough evidence to be honest.

As we walked to the heads' dorms, I realized that I needed to get James to realize how mean Laney was, warn him of her inconsistencies, her menacing ways. I wasn't going to go full-on evil on them, just make James see straight. If only there was some way to get James to realize how much I wanted him to like me again.

* * *

Oh my god, I hate her, I actually _hate_ her! How could she– Oh I _really_ hate her. Really really actually _hate_ that girls' guts! Eurgh! She– Eurgh, she's _horrible_!

OK, maybe I should explain what happened. Basically, we were all sat in our common room, just talking. I was sat on the floor in front of the fire, resting against Jen who was leaning against the sofa. Sirius was lounging across the long sofa, taking up rather a lot of room selfishly, and Laney was sat on James' lap on the small armchair, a scene I was trying to ignore. Despite Laney's snide comments and smirks I knew were directed to Jen and I – we were always her main targets – things actually weren't that bad. I mean, it was just a normal morning with some friends and an unwanted extra. It was all completely fine, until she bloody went and _said_ it.

There was a project coming up in Charms that I was secretly rather excited about, but I obviously said nothing. It was a paired project, and we were discussing who would go with who.

"Well, of _course _James and I will be partners," Laney purred to the room. Sirius looked at James, puzzled and slightly annoyed. James just did a small shrug, one that Laney conveniently didn't see. But, as was the plan, I'm sure, Laney went on about Sirius.

"Oh, but what about you, Sirius?" she said, placing a lacquered nail on her pouted lips in badly acted concern. "I suppose you could go with Lily, if it weren't for the _obvious _problem." She sat there, and waited for one of us to take the bait. In the end, it was Sirius who braved it, somewhat stupidly.

"What problem?" he asked, looking in my direction. I frowned at him, showing that I too, had no idea what she was talking about.

"Don't you _know_?!" She sat up in James' lap, feigning surprise. She was _so_ obvious! I just wanted to scream at her!

Everyone looked at Laney, evidently all having absolutely no idea what the hell she was on about.

She sat back, folding her arms and looking smug. Here we go.

"Well Evans, I'd have thought you'd tell your _friends_ these things."

Ugh!

"Oh for God's sake, Laney, what _things_?!" I yelled, my calm façade fading. I emphasized the last word probably a little too much, but she was just so flippin' infuriating!

"Lily," James warned quietly. I shot him a dark look, implicitly telling him to_ shut it_. I think he got the message, though I don't think he was too pleased about the direction everything was turning. Laney stood up, evidently not pleased the attention had drifted from her. She wanted to make this big and bad; something nobody in this room would ever forget. I wasn't worried: she had zero ammunition from me towards Sirius; there was nothing she could say that would embarrass me that was at all true.

"Well, only the fact that you've fancied _the pants _off Sirius Black since second year!"

Um, what?

The way she said it though, like she was astonished nobody knew this. How _dare _she make up things like that about me?! In front of my _friends_!

I looked at the faces of the people in the room: Jen looked aghast. I knew she could tell that Laney was lying, but she was worried how people would react, me included. She was worried about the after effects of Laney's false words. Sirius had fallen off his chair laughing. I was glad_ someone _found it funny. Laney was smirking maliciously, distinctly happy with the reaction. Her eyebrow was curved up in a bitter way. She was chuckling slightly – her mouth wide open like a very ugly frog – though less out of hilarity, and more out of 'oh my goodness, nobody knew this load of complete _crap_, about Lily Evans? Oh, what a huge surprise!'

James. As soon as the words were out of his 'girlfriend's' mouth, his eyes were on me; mine on him. The initial look in his eyes was that of despair. He was so heartbroken; it hurt just to look at him. He looked at me in that horribly accusing way. It was all I could do to shake my head in denial, weakly. I knew that by doing this it would just exacerbate the idea that I _did_ have feelings for Sirius – I wasn't just pathetically denying it, I genuinely didn't fancy him, I _promise_. James stared at me and our eyes were locked for a good few seconds, before his disdainful, pitied expression left, as if it was never there. Now, he was acting the same way as Sirius, as if the whole event had been hilariously funny. It was a weak act, and I would be very surprised if nobody saw through it.

"You know that's not true!" I screamed. I'm not sure who at; it could have been anyone, or everyone. I was more than angry; I was infuriated.

I left the room, controlling the impulse to run, my shaking hands attempting to stop the tears from flowing. I could hear Jen jogging after me. I could hear the petty laughter from Laney, the recent shocked silence of James and Sirius.

"Lily! Lily, wait!"

I heard Jen call me as I began to run down the corridor. I was so furious with Laney. How _dare _she say things like that in front of James?! It wasn't even true! Never in my life have I ever held any hint of feelings for Sirius Black, other than occasionally hate and often friendship.

After I could run no more – and Jen had given up chasing me – I slumped to the ground in defeat. I cried. I cried so loudly; I was amazed nobody could hear me. I had run so far, I honestly had no idea where I was, but I was either too far away for anyone to hear, or nobody cared enough to come and find out what that horrible wailing noise was. I shocked myself at the noises I was making, honestly.

Why would she do it though? Maybe it was just to annoy James out of his mind. I'm sure she knew he'd fancied me, but then she _was _the one going out with him, though I'm not sure that would stop her. If she did it to annoy _me_, well, it worked, but there were many other things she could have done that would be much, much worse. Maybe she didn't want to go too far – and lose what James appeared to think of her – but she was determined to touch a nerve.

I think it was just the fact that it held no hint of truth that made me annoyed. I knew I should've just laughed it off, not denied it, but claimed it had stopped in third year, though James could always see through my lies – even better than Jen – and the last thing I wanted was him thinking I was lying about it stopping, rather than the fact it had even happened, which it hadn't.

_Why _did she have to make it so _bloody_ complicated?!

Maybe that was the reason she'd done it: to make it so awkward and complicated for me.

I was vaguely aware that I'd missed well over half of History of Magic – though I'm sure professor Binns wouldn't even realize my absence. I didn't have my rucksack with me anyway, so there wasn't much point in rushing to the class. By the time I'd been back to the common room to get my bag, and ran to the history classroom, even if I'd wanted to, the lesson would be well over.

I must admit I did feel like a coward. She'd won. She'd made me run from the room and skive a lesson, all because I was embarrassed and annoyed about what she'd said. I knew it just added to the suspicions that what she'd said was true. It was the worst thing I could have done. My no show in History would just spark rumors, make people believe what Laney had said was true. I wasn't fooled – I knew she'd probably told half the school of the event by now. Great. The cowardly head girl fancied the fit rogue; the one _5__th_ years were after. I was sure she'd play it up, make it sound a lot worse than it actually was.

After I was sure I wasn't going to be early for lunch, I left my safe spot in the dark corridor and meandered on down to the Great Hall. I wasn't usually the moping sort, though recently, I definitely had been. I needed to snap out of it and get a grip. I had been so out of character these past few days: I'd been jealous, furious, mortified, furious again, skiving lessons etc. It just wasn't me. Lily Evans just didn't do those things; feel those things.

When I got to the Great Hall, I sat between Alice and Jen, who both asked me if I was OK. The looks on their faces confirmed what I already knew to be true: most the school knew, and she hadn't let it lie all too well.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Please don't make a big deal of it though; I am _so _embarrassed," I begged.

Alice nodded, but Jen leant over and whispered in my ear.

"It's her who should be embarrassed, not you."

I didn't acknowledge that sentence, though she knew I'd heard her. To be honest, it didn't mater who should be embarrassed or not. The fact was that I was embarrassed and did _not _want it to become a big deal. Trust Sirius not to get that.

"Here she is! My wonderful admirer!" He put his muscled hands on my shoulders and leant round to kiss my cheek, annoyingly making me blush. For god's sake, this was ridiculous!

"Oh, piss off Black! You know that was a load of crap!" I said, though I was laughing. That was the best thing to do, I thought; laugh it off. Show her she hasn't affected me. The last thing I wanted to do was give people reason to believe the rumor was true. It was making me paranoid.

"You two should have _seen_ James when you left," Sirius said to Jen and I, shaking his head in disbelief.

I looked at Jen, confused. I then focused my attention on Sirius, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, that when you left in a state, Jen right behind you, James had a _huge_ go at Laney. He yelled at her for ages, saying she shouldn't have done it, that it was a really mean and insensitive thing to do; hewas _well_ pissed!" He said all this with a grin the size of Gringotts. "He was going to go after you, but when Jen came back he knew it wasn't worth it."

Jen glanced at me, befuddled, before talking to Sirius, "but, he was_ laughing_."

Sirius nodded. "He was," he agreed, "but that was before he knew Lily was upset by it." His trademark smile faded.

I looked down at my hands intertwined underneath the table. They didn't know about what had happened _before _the laughter.

So, James was angry, was he? I just didn't know what to make of that, to be honest. What did it mean? Was I over-thinking things? I guess it was just nice to know that he did care for me, after all.

"Evans?" Sirius asked, that cheeky grin back in its rightful place.

I glanced at him through my lashes, enticing him. "Yes, handsome?" I purred.

Sirius, Alice and Jen practically fell off their chairs in laughter. I too, was pretty amused at my comical self.

"I was going to ask if it was true, but I think you've made it all quite clear," Sirius explained after the laughing fit had subsided a little. He winked at me, and I smiled back. It was obvious to me that he knew it wasn't true, and I was glad he believed that. I didn't need anything else to think about, thanks.

"Woah."

I followed Sirius' eyes to the doors of the great hall, looking for what he'd seen.

"But, he was yelling at her for ages; he was livid with her," Sirius murmured, mainly to himself. It was then that I saw what he was looking at.

James had just walked in, an ecstatic Chrissie Laney hanging off his arm endearingly. My jaw dropped. They'd made up _already_?


	2. Another Time and Place

**Title:** Proteus  
**Author:** Phaxsoone  
**Rating:** T (12)  
**Summary:** James Potter has always fancied Lily Evans, but when his feelings change seem to change, as do Lily's, it seems like Lily is in for a difficult year trying to win back his affections.  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything; most characters and all settings are those created by the incredible JK Rowling. The people who said the quotes at the beginning are credited accordingly.

**Author's Notes:** So you may be wondering where the hell I am going with this fic. Well, basically, I don't have a clue. My aim at the moment is to write at least 5,000 words per chapter. My initial plan was to get it up to about 250,000 words, but there I no way this will produce 25 chapters, so I'm now aiming for about 100,000 words. Even that is pretty ambitious for me, but I'm going to try it. If this doesn't succeed then I will write another longer fic, I WILL DO IT! I will keep posting a few one shots; I do love them! I have a Fault in our Stars one 'in the wings'. It's pretty depressing but let me know if you'd be interested in reading it. Thanks for all the feedback on the last chapter. 14 follows is pretty good for me, but please, please leave reviews! It's great to know people are reading it, but it'd be even better if I knew what you thought of it. This chapter is a little slow to begin with, but it does pick up. Also, I know some of the things that happen in this chapter (and the reactions to them) are pretty unrealistic, but they needed to happen. Thanks again to 'Lugian Before Swine' who beta'd again for me. She is brilliant and picks up every little error, though i have made some minor changes since i got it back, so if you see any mistakes, anything you think doesn't fit, then please let me know! Thanks. Please check out my friends stories on fictionpress - .write. I'll stick a link in my profile :) Right, after that crazily long author's note, here is chapter 2 – enjoy! :)

**Proteus**

Change and Realisation

"You know it's all the same, another time and place, repeating history and you're getting sick of it."

- Taylor Swift

I was lounging on the short grass underneath the beech tree with Alice and Jen, my eyes shut and my head resting on my book filled rucksack. It had been a very long few days, and I was pretty ecstatic to get to Friday. Everyone had literally forgotten about the whole 'Laney vs. Evans' thing, and I had been so sure it was going to be a big deal. I knew I should feel happy about it and be glad that nothing was going to be made of it, but I wasn't.

Why wasn't James bothered about it? He should be. He should've stuck up for me. That's what friends like us do for each other. Friends like us didn't let anyone come between them. I had never thought James would let someone like Chrissie Laney come before me. Even if she was his girlfriend. Although, if what Sirius had said was true, James had been pretty pissed about it all. We were great friends and, admittedly, it hurt to see him so involved with someone else. It'd always been me he'd spent his evenings with, me who helped him with his homework (though, to be honest, there was nothing Laney could do that James couldn't; she wasn't the sharpest crayon in the pack).

I had hardly seen James the past few days; it was like he'd disappeared off the face of the earth. Every evening he was out with Laney, staying out way beyond curfew, brushing off the professor's interrogations with his 'head boy privileges' as he liked to call them. Now also known as 'ways-to-snog-your-bitchy-girlfriend-behind-your-o ne-true-love's-back-in-completely-inappropriate-pl aces-around-the-castle-without-being-discovered' privileges, or that's certainly what it seemed like.

They were being ridiculous. All they ever did was snog, and it was Laney's idea. She always 'started it' and James always 'ended it'. He obviously wasn't as keen for it all as she was, though I never saw him complaining.

In lessons she was sending him charmed flying notes that exploded when they reached him. They were always pink and covered in hearts. With every note, there was a bright grin flashed to James and, only when his back was turned, an evil sneer towards me. How the notes went unnoticed by the professors I have no idea, yet McGonagall was the one who eventually noticed.

One lesson, there had been about twenty notes flying James' way throughout the lesson, and McGonagall had ignored them at first. Though, after a while, even perfect Quidditch captain James could not escape her wrath.

"MISS LANEY! MR POTTER! Will you stop that right now! I fail to see how those stupid little notes will educate you more than my lesson! But let's see, shall we? Would you like to read them to the class?"

As a very red James shook his head violently – I had to laugh at that sight despite the mood the loved-up pair had both put me in – the aged professor lifted her thinning eyebrows slightly and turned towards the board.

"Perhaps you may save your lovey-dovey messages for lunch, eh Potter?" she said to the board.

If possible, James got even redder at these words. He sunk lower down into his chair and covered his face with his hands, his eyes peeping through at Laney. She lifted her long-fingered hand and waved at him girlishly, evidently unaffected by the situation; she wasn't at all embarrassed.

I had to bite down on my fist to contain my laughter, though Sirius was not quite so contained. He was banging his fist in the table and howling with laughter. I looked over to him and, as he smiled at me, I removed my fist from my mouth and let myself laugh as well. We had received evil glares from James and a yelling and detention from McGonagall, but it was all worth it.

I didn't really know if James and I had fallen out; it just wasn't that simple. We probably would be talking if I ever saw him, but I never did. The fact that he hadn't mentioned anything about him having a go at Laney, or apologizing on her behalf made me think that possibly we had. I had no idea what I'd say to him if I came across him though.

* * *

That evening I was sat in the heads' common room, reading my favorite muggle novel, Pride and Prejudice. It was pouring outside, and James and Jen were at Quidditch practice so I thought I'd read away a few hours – easily done. I loved reading. It was one of my favorite things, second only to attending Hogwarts. I'd read more books than I could count, and James could never understand how I read so much, though he read his fair share as well. At about 7 o'clock he unexpectedly entered, for once, alone.

"Hey," he greeted, looking over at me, "reading, again?"

"Um, yeah," I replied. It was the first time we'd been alone together for weeks, so I was a little surprised at his mysterious appearance. I placed my book down on the little coffee table in front of me, stupidly embarrassed.

My breath caught in my throat as I looked up at him. Of course, I had seen James after he'd played Quidditch, yet nothing could prepare me for his rain-dampened hair, crooked glasses hanging off his nose. Rain droplets were falling off him and landing on our lovely rug I'd brought from home.

Ignoring that, I internally scolded myself for not seeing him before. Really actually seeing him. I suppose I had never seen him the way I did now, that newly discovered affection 'clouding' my vision.

His eyes were alive, bright as they always were after Quidditch. His eyebrows were soggy, droplets falling down into his eyes, underneath his glasses. He yanked a hand through his knotty hair and shook the water out like a wet dog.

"J–James," I stuttered, "you're dripping on the rug."

"Oh, sorry!" he apologized, removing his damp jacket and hanging it up on the coat stand.

"Where's Lan–Chrissie?" I asked.

"Well, I told her we had Quidditch practice, but that finished pretty quickly – because of the rain, you see – so I thought I'd spend some time with you: how are you Lil'?"

I retracted in shock. Really? After all that time and he could just say that? How was that fair? I didn't say anything though; the last thing I wanted right now was to fight with him again.

"I'm good, thanks, James! You?" Was I being over-enthusiastic?

"Yeah, not too bad, thanks."

After a slightly awkward pause, he came and sat down next to me on the sofa.

"What'cha doing?" he asked lightly.

I eyed at his cheerful expression warily before answering with a shrug. "Um, just reading, you know." I felt stupid for repeating myself, though he had asked.

"Oh, OK, yeah you said. I'll let you carry on then."

Honestly, could he not feel the awkwardness?! I picked my book up off the table hesitantly and began cautiously reading again. He had just commented on my reading habits, and he was asking again. Awkward.

When it appeared James was just going to sit there looking like a runway model, watching me read, I thought I'd better be sociable. That and I could also not concentrate on my book with him mere centimeters away from me.

"So James, what's new with you? I mean, I know I've seen–"

"Lily, do you fancy Sirius?"

I gaped like a goldfish as I attempted to take in what he'd just said. That was just so random! He had a hurt and confused expression across his face, much like the one when Laney first put that idea into his head. Wow. He was really torn up about it, wasn't he? What was I supposed to say?!

"Well James, I really don't want to start another fight with you, but why does it matter? You're happy with Lan–Chrissie, aren't you?"

He looked at me thoughtfully, obviously considering my point.

"Well, yeah, but do you or not?"

"James, why are you being so pushy about this?! I don't, and I have no idea why your girlfriend said I did, but would it really be any if your business if I did like him?!"

"Fine."

"OK, then."

He crossed his arms, making a final statement. So that's what he wanted to talk to me about, was it? He didn't really care how I was; he just wanted to interrogate me about Sirius. It was bloody rude. He was with Laney, I shouldn't affect their relationship at all.

"But Lily, if you did fancy him–"

"James, I can't do this right now," I said, dropping my book and heading up to my room, shaking my head at him.

"Lily, wait–" but I was already gone.

* * *

Nothing had changed between James and I. That was just a normal, bickering argument, the ones we were used to. That, albeit, was a deeper topic than we were used to, but in a few minutes I'd be back downstairs and he would apologise and everything would be normal again. I was pretty annoyed we'd fought yet again though.

After sitting on my bed debating who was in the wrong for about 40 minutes, I walked as nonchalantly as possible down to our small, familiar common room. I was embarrassed and annoyed with myself for storming off like that; it was completely unnecessary.

James walked across the room and pulled me into his arms, the minute I stepped off the last step.

"I'm sorry, Lily."

I hugged him back. He smelt faintly of outdoors, and burning wood. It wasn't an unpleasant smell at all, just comforting; I knew it was him. James had that distinct Quidditch smell about him, one that rarely failed to make me smile. He had taken a shower since I'd left, so his hair was still damp and he had that commonplace scent of his coconut shampoo wafting off him. I breathed in his gorgeous aroma and smiled where he couldn't see me.

"It's OK, James. I'm sorry I over-reacted."

I buried my face in the crook of his slightly stubbly neck as he shook his head slowly, yet said nothing, pushing his face gently into my shoulder. We stood there in silence just holding each other, me playing with the baby hairs on the back if his neck. It seemed like he needed the comfort as much as me. We had been hugging for a pretty long time now…

"Um…" I said awkwardly, the noise muffled by his shoulder. Nevertheless, he heard me.

"Oh, right, yeah, sorry, Lil'," he muttered as he pulled away, shoving his hands into his pockets. We sat down on the sofa close to each other and pulled the blanket up over us, just like old times. I rested my head on his shoulder and, for a minute, completely forgot that he had betrayed me, that he was with Laney and that I may be in love with him. It was so easy to forget those things when it was just James and I; it was just such a conventional thing when we were alone; it was as natural as breathing.

I wondered if it was as natural for him as it was for me, both now that he had a girlfriend and before, when he still liked me. It was weird that I was so consumed by him now, noticed everything he did and how it all affected me, yet when we were like this I could forget about all of that. Had it been like that with him? Had he been able to drop in and out of it like I apparently could? If not, did that mean that he had liked me more than I like him? Why was everything involving James and I so complicated?

* * *

The joy of being a Head student at Hogwarts was that you could sleep in as long as you wanted on the weekends and still get some breakfast from those amazingly helpful house elves. I slept solidly until eleven, which is pretty late for me. I'm definitely not a morning person, but my body clock is pretty dead set.

I remembered I had fallen asleep on the sofa next to James last night, yet I'd magically woken up in my bed. It was a good life, living with James; he was so thoughtful.

I wandered downstairs in yesterday's clothes (thank god he'd left that how it'd been left…), dressing gown in hand, to find him sat on our sofa in his fluffy, navy blue dressing gown, a mug of something brown on the table in front of him and a 'Daily Prophet' in his hands.

"Hey," he greeted, looking up from the paper.

"Hello, what're you doing here?"

It was very unlike James to remain in the common room – especially still in his pajamas – beyond ten. He went through a stage in fourth year where he'd sleep in ridiculously late (what was up with his body clock?!) but since then, he's always gotten up at half eight at the latest, and been down to breakfast by nine.

"I thought I'd wait for you before I asked for some breakfast," he explained as he put down the Prophet, "what do you want?"

"Ooh, waffles, please!"

He smiled at my childish excitement as I walked over to sit next to him on the sofa. He grinned at me as I did up my dressing gown.

"You waited a long time," I said, looking at the ancient clock on the mantel. "What time did you get up?"

He shrugged. "About eight. I did that Herbology essay and then just read the Prophet. Some fool's been using their toad to trade illegal Potions."

I smiled and chuckled. "Seriously, that's all there is?!"

His grin faded and he scratched his head awkwardly. "Err, no, not really. There's been another attack. Down north. A few muggleborns got…er…well…killed." He said the last word very quietly; regret clouding his voice.

"How many, James," I whispered. It was not a question; a warning. He would tell me.

"Well…Prophet says it was…er…sixteen."

"Sixteen?!" I screeched. "Muggleborns only?!"

"Well, there were six Aurors as well. They say it was Avery and Mulciber's parents who did it, along with others. They weren't caught." He spoke about the criminals with such hate, such disgust; it was uncommon hearing that tone in James' gorgeous, unharming voice.

"Your parents?" I breathed, asking him the question he knew would be quick on both of our minds. Whenever another attack was publicized, it wasn't just me who panicked. James' parents were both Aurors and he always worried about their safety, understandably.

"Off duty," he muttered.

"Good. James, is this why you waited for me?" I asked, knowing him all too well. "Why didn't you go and talk to Sirius? Or," I forced myself to use her first name, "Chrissie?"

He turned to face me. "Because they don't understand, Lily! You do! You know about it, you know how it makes me feel, more than anyone! Sirius has never had to worry; his family is the ones doing it for Christ's sake! Chrissie just won't understand. She doesn't get it."

Well, why was he bloody with her then?! He spoke about her as if she was just a prop, something that helped him out but which he had no emotional attachment to. I forced myself to remain calm. "I get it, James, I understand."

"I know you do, Lily. You…you 'get' me. I can tell you anything and you'll get it, you'll empathize as best as you can. I don't deserve your friendship, Lily."

I sighed. "Well, you do, James, because you do all that and more for me."

"Lily, I don't want us to fight again. I'm sorry about the whole…thing." Well, that was an easy word to sum it all up! "But I hate not having you there. We've been avoiding each other and I can't do that anymore. I need you in my life, Lily."

Wow. James was talking deep. And there was no way I was ready to hear that. How hard did that make it for me? I had to be in his life, yet I could never be with him. How did that work?! Nevertheless, I did feel the same way.

"Yeah, me either. I need you too, James." I was still completely and utterly overwhelmed by his declaration and was still trying to comprehend what the hell that meant. I hoped I kept all that emotion off my face though, cringing internally at how pathetically cliché we both sounded.

He pulled me in for a hug and I was genuinely shocked. James was never this emotional, this serious without the jokiness behind his eyes, and he was definitely 100% serious right now. Maybe he was shocked and a little scared about the news of the attack, but this wasn't easy for me to take. Did I try and laugh his serious mood off? Laugh with him about it?

It really should be Laney in my shoes right now. Don't get me wrong, I loved that it was me instead, though. Even for the wrong reasons and even though it may complicate things even further, I was ecstatic that James had said 'I need you in my life.'

It was strange how all the girls in these books, and chick flicks, always were on their 100% 'attractive mode' whenever they were around the guy they liked, but when I was with James, and we were alone, I was never thinking of ways to win back his affections, not yet, anyway. There may be a time when I will try to, but I wasn't that desperate yet. It wasn't the whole infatuated, obsessed 'crush'. It was more of a 'yeah, I like you, I'd go out with you' sort of thing and, though I hated what was going on between him and Laney, I was not going to jump off a building for his affections.

* * *

"So, what do you think?"

I stared at Jen, trying to put as much sarcasm into my expression as humanly possible.

"Definitely not."

"Oh come on, Lily! We haven't done it for ages! I've cleared it with James, he's fine with it, why aren't you?!"

"Because of what happened the last time we were all together, Jen, that's why!"

She was desperately trying to get me to agree to this 'get-together' thing, supposedly taking place in the heads common room. Fat chance.

Four months ago, I would've probably agreed to this (providing no alcohol was involved, of course). Then, it would've just been Remus, Sirius, Peter, Alice, Jen, James and I, but now, Laney would have to come, which is pretty unfair. We were all friends with each other, but it was only James who held some kind of candle for Laney; no one else liked her! Sirius could not get his head round why James was with her; neither could Remus, Peter, Alice, Jen, and above all, me.

So no, I didn't particularly want her joining our little party, but I didn't see how I was going to get around it.

Bringing me back to our conversation, Jen sighed.

"Lil', James won't let her do something like that, he–"

"Jen! He let her do it the first time, didn't he?!

"I know but that was diff–"

"Don't you dare! How was it different?! It wasn't, and for all I know, James' bloody girlfriend will probably do it again!"

I was aware that half the Gryffindor house was watching us in the common room – I was yelling pretty loud – and I was also aware that Jen had rarely seen me this fired up. What I wasn't aware of, however, was who was stood behind me.

"Lily?"

I froze as I heard his voice, cringing. I threw my face in my hands, letting my annoying hair fall down.

Suddenly, I was aware of a hand making an entry through my lovely, protective hair curtain. I looked up and found myself face to face with James. I sighed.

"Lily, I'm sorry for what Chrissie did that day, I really am, but she won't do anything like that again. Jen's right, I won't let her. What she did really hurt you, and I really am sorry. I won't let her hurt you like that again. She's actually a very nice person!"

Ruined. A lovely little speech, ruined. Why did he have to say that? 'Nice person'?! I refrained from yelling again, though.

"Thanks, James."

"No problem," he said, tucking a stray strand of my hair behind my ear. "So, can we have this party, or not?"

Just to make this harder for me, he threw a wink in my direction. I laughed. "Fine, but no more than one bottle, James, I mean it!"

"Each?"

"No!" I shoved his shoulder as he laughed at me, ruffling my hair.

Innocent gestures like that would not be happening tonight. Not between James and I, anyway. If he had a nice girlfriend, it would be a completely different story, but he didn't, so that wasn't even worth thinking about. Laney would flip. I was not allowed to touch James in front of her, and that rarely stopped me, but tonight it would, I knew. I didn't want to fight with James about Laney again.

* * *

"Butterbeers?"

"Check!"

"Exploding snap cards?"

"Check!"

"FIREWHISKEY?!"

"CHECK!"

"James, that is more than one bottle!"

We all laughed as Sirius and James juggled multiple things through the Gryffindor common room and down the corridor to the 'venue'.

"If McGonagall catches us now…" I muttered to Jen.

"Oh lighten up, Lil'! Don't be the party pooper!"

I held my hands up in defense. "Not tonight, Jen, not tonight."

"Good."

Jen had helped James and I move all the furniture to the edges of the room earlier this evening so we could all sit on the floor. I had a gut feeling this would end badly…

* * *

By half ten, fortunately nobody was drunk, though James and Sirius were certainly very happy.

"OK!" Sirius announced, "We're going to play a game! Yes, Evans, a drinking game."

I opened my mouth to protest but he carried on.

"Basically, we have a pack of cards and we are going to turn one over every time a turn is taken. If it's an ace, two, three, five, seven, eight or nine, you down that many drinks. A four is where you ask someone, anyone, a question of your choice. It must be answered truthfully before both people drink. If it's a six, the person who flips the card has to say something they have never done. Anyone who has done it drinks. If it's a ten, everyone drinks. A Jack means guys drink, a Queen means girls drink and a King means everyone drinks two. If you can't do it, you can pass on the seven, eight or nine, because I'm feeling nice. Good thing we have a lot of firewhiskey, eh?!"

I put my face in my hands. Remus laughed and patted my back. Why were we doing this again?

I looked across the circle to James who had his arm around a pretty tipsy Laney. He made a sad face to me and I smirked at him as he laughed. He knew how much I hated drinking and parties and… drinking. I really do not like drinking. It always ends badly, with someone forgetting one thing or another, or fights.

"Right, I'll go first, shall I?" said Sirius, scarily eager to get hammered.

I swear he planned this, but the first card he drew was a king.

Taking a deep breath, I grabbed the bottle of firewhiskey and downed my first shots. I just wanted to do the whole getting drunk thing now, so I'd stop caring about it so much as the evening went on.

After downing our drinks, Peter went next who had to down seven shots (which he did very manfully, even I had to admit) then Remus who got a four – a question. He asked James if he'd ever worn girls' underwear. He laughed, but declined, skeptical snorts issuing from Sirius. The atmosphere was pretty frosty; no one was under the effects of firewhiskey yet, apart from maybe Peter, who was swaying dangerously from side to side.

James raised his eyebrows at me pointedly before looking at the cards. Great. My go.

Taking a deep breath, I turned over my card. Five. "If anybody wakes me up before 4pm tomorrow, there's going to be trouble."

I downed my five drinks quickly, ignoring the thumping pain in my head as I did so.

I awkwardly tried very hard not to look anywhere but straight ahead as Laney began passionately snogging James, again. I heard Remus sigh quietly beside me and I looked at him understandably. He patted my shoulder sympathetically. Remus was intelligent enough to know that, even if you'd had no feelings for someone for so long, if they fancied you for as long as James had liked me, it was hard to see them so, so involved with someone completely different.

Jen got a six – what have you never done? She said she'd never run round the school grounds stark naked. All the guys drank, as we all laughed. Shame, I'd missed that stunt.

Alice was even less of a drinker than me, so I really felt for her as I watched her down eight shots, too proud to decline it. She blinked, startled, for a few seconds before Remus checked she was OK. We all worried about Alice, she was so fragile.

Nothing else exciting happened in the next few rounds, we just all got extremely drunk. Laney and James were at it for quite some time before they decided to join in with the game again. I was too drunk to care. I was drunker than I had ever been in my life, ever.

It was Laney's go again, and she got a four - question.

"My question is for Evans," she slurred.

"Lily," James corrected quietly next to her. He was somehow a lot less drunk than the rest of us, or maybe he just held his liquor well. He'd had enough practice. Laney was the worst, though whether she was faking it, I wasn't sure. I held my breath, anticipating what she would say as she glared at me.

"Have you ever fancied anyone in this room?"

Oh my god! What was her obsession with me and Sirius? Wait. I actually did fancy someone in this room! What was I supposed to say? Lie?! Be honest?! But then everyone will think it's Sirius! Oh crap. I just winged it and hoped she would accept it as a semi-decent answer. I was too intoxicated to think of anything half decent to say.

"Er…no?"

"Oh, come on, Evans, we all know that's a lie!" she drawled.

I just glared at her as I took my drink. "I am so drunk right now!" I yelled when I was done. I grabbed the bottle of firewhiskey and took two long gulps. It felt so good, burning away my thoughts, my worries. Even James and Laney could not break through this protective wall alcohol seemed to put around me. I put the bottle down, feeling very woozy, just before I passed out. I really cannot hold my liquor.

* * *

I woke up with a pounding head and a throat like sandpaper. I kept my eyes closed as I rolled over, yet gritted my teeth when it hurt like hell. This was not a normal hangover; this was different. But then I drank a lot more than I normally would last night.

"Morning!"

I nearly fell out of bed. Who the hell was that?! A very un-Lilyish thought shot through my head: who did I sleep with?!

I cautiously opened my eyes and breathed out in relief as I saw the voice came from the spare bed in my room. Not in my bed. Phew. James was lying there, fully dressed in muggle day clothes, with damp hair, a Charms textbook resting on his lap.

"James? What are you doing here? What the hell happened last night?!" Even I could hear how awful I sounded.

He chuckled. "Well, what do you remember?"

"Firewhiskey. Loads of firewhiskey. And passing out."

"Well, after you passed out the first time, Jen and I put you on the sofa until you woke up. You weren't long, though. Do you not remember waking up?" I shook my head. "Christ, Lil'. Well, Sirius and the others were all for joining in again – you were too, you know! I've never seen you so eager to drink! You threw up as you were arguing your point though, which didn't help. I made you go to bed after you passed out again. Sorry."

"No, don't be. Thanks for looking out for me and sorry I was such a mess! What time is it?"

He checked his watch. "Three."

"Three?!" I threw the covers off me and stood up, far too quickly. James caught me as I toppled over again. I had no idea what it would feel like to be this… hungover.

"You are so innocent," he breathed, his face mere centimeters from mine. His arms were still around me and I was hugely aware of everything about him. His perfect features, his gorgeous ebony hair. His lips I was especially aware of. If I just stood a little higher…

"Um…" he murmured as he tried to disentangle himself from me.

"Sorry," I muttered.

I smoothed down my pajama top – how had I gotten into these clothes? – and kind of motioned that we should go downstairs. James nodded and let me lead the way.

I wished he hadn't, as there was a rather unpleasant surprise for us down there.

"EVANS?!" Laney screamed at me. What was she doing here?!

The alcoholic inside of me (which was pretty dominant right now) couldn't care less that she had somehow gotten into our common room – or maybe she'd never actually left – I just wanted her to shut up.

"Please stop shouting," I whispered, pressing my fingers to my temples.

"STOP SHOUTING?! WELL, I might after you've explained to me what you were doing with MY boyfriend upstairs?!"

James chose this pretty late moment to chip in:

"Woah, Chrissie, calm down! Lil–"

"CALM DOWN?! I WIL–"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP! I was sleeping, and James just happened to be in my room, because he was looking out for me, just like a friend."

"LIKE A FRIEND WITH A GIRLFRIEND?"

"OK, seriously, if you do not take it down an octave, I am going to rip your head off. Why does it matter if he has a girlfriend or not? He was just in my room, not my bed! Tone it down a little!"

She sighed impatiently. "James, you and I are going to have words, this is not the end of this! And Evans? Keep your hands off what isn't yours!"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, bitch."

"Chrissie!" James was pretty angry.

"You need to sort out your priorities!"

And with that, she spun on her heel and left the common room.

"Well, she's not really the jealous type, is she?"

My light attempt at humor did not do much to ease James'…guilt? Anger? He went to sit on the sofa and knotted his muscled hands into his hair.

"James…"

"Lily, I'm so sorry."

"No, James."

He looked up at me as I sat next to him.

"I don't know why she's so mean to you!"

"Really, James? I thought you knew! I thought you knew what she was like, what she is like! How can you be so blind?! She hates me because I hate what she does. I hate how she bullies defenseless children, and gets a kick out of it! I hate how she does bitchy, malicious, horrible things to us girls, but then is all innocent and amazing in front of guys. I hate how you – intelligent, thoughtful you – could believe her, and really think she's 'all that' because she really isn't, and I do not understand how you don't see that, James, I really don't. It's not just me she's so mean to, it's everyone she can't cling on to to make her look good. If I can't give her anything, she'll do her best to make my life hell, and she's doing a pretty good job of it right now."

I didn't know what had come over me, but I had to get out. I couldn't look in James' hurt, confused eyes anymore, knowing that I was the one who'd hurt him. It was Laney's rant followed by mine, and poor James could not deal with all the estrogen-driven anger.

I ran from the common room and began heading down the corridor, though I had no idea where I was going. My head was pounding and I was still in my pajamas, stinking of alcohol. I couldn't go anywhere like this.

On a strike of inspiration, I changed directions and began making my way to the prefects' bathroom. I could have a nice, long, uninterrupted bath and get nice and clean. I could use the towels, shampoo and body wash that was luckily provided. I could even summon a house elf to fetch my clothes if I so wanted. This was one of the many reasons I loved Hogwarts. There was always an escape, for anything, however big or small it is. It really was a place of complete bliss. Most of the time.

I had no idea why I'd yelled at James so much just now. Whenever I talked to him nowadays, I always ended up yelling at him, and that really wasn't fair. James didn't deserve that. He had no idea if what I'd just told him was true. It was my word against Laney's, and, whilst I hoped he'd stick with me, I really had no idea. I could no longer rely on him to be there whenever I needed him; he had other priorities. According to Laney, she was undoubtedly the most important person in his life, or she should be, at least.

I loved James, like a brother, though I could not deny that there was some other love there, something less brotherly. I hated that he was so blind to it, though I guess that had been me when our roles were reversed. Was this what it was like when he was trying to get me to like him? It was hard trying to empathise with him; however easy he thought it was for me, it really wasn't.

After my lovely, long, refreshing bath, I wrapped myself in a towel and asked a lovely house elf to fetch me some clothes – shorts and a vest. After getting changed I pondered where to go. It was about five o'clock now, and I would normally be in one of the common rooms right now. I couldn't go to heads' though, for fear of running into James, though I was in the same position with the Gryffindor common room because of Laney. After a while, I decided to go outside and relax, take my mind off all this craziness and enjoy the summer sun.

Luckily, I was undisturbed as I made my way outside. I was in a really stinking mood and the last thing I wanted was to end up screaming my head off at some poor second year. Also luckily – was I on Felix Felicis of something? – there was nobody underneath my lovely beech tree. A few people were dotted around the lake, mostly young couples, but I could sit in my usual spot and not be intruding on anyone.

I lay down under the tree and closed my eyes, relaxing into oblivion, feeling the warmth of the gradually lowering sun on my bare legs…

* * *

"Lily! Lily!"

I woke from my blissfully peaceful sleep to a panicked, masculine voice yelling at me. I sat up, startled by the darkness. How long had I been asleep?

It was Remus. "Lily?! Lily, are you OK?"

"Hi, Remus. Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry, I must have fallen asleep. What time is it?" He rolled his wrist over to look at his watch. "Eleven."

"Eleven?!" For Christ's sake, what was it with me and sleeping for ages?!

"Yeah. James said you'd run off, and no one could find you. He got really worried so he sent us all out to search for you."

"Crap. Sorry, Remus." I climbed up off the ground, dusting off my bum. We walked back to the Gryffindor common room together in a frosty silence. A few of the 'searchers' had returned, defeated. Remus announced that I had fallen asleep outside as I blushed deep scarlet. Did people really need to know that?

James returned, flushed and panicked.

"Has anybody fou– Oh. There you are."

I blushed again as I remembered the argument we'd ha– well. Where I yelled at him and he stood there like a startled puppy. I avoided his eyes as I addressed the group, staring at the floor.

"Well, I'm off to bed. Thanks for, um, looking for me." I began making my way to the girls' staircase.

"Lily? Aren't you sleeping in the heads' dorm?" James could not disguise the hurt tone in his voice.

"I'm really tired, I'm just going to crash here," I said, again to the floor.

I glanced up just long enough to register the upset look in his eyes, his eyebrows furrowed deep.

"Oh, OK." He turned to leave, and I let him. There was nothing I particularly wanted to say to him. Did that make me a bad person, not wanting to apologise for yelling?

Everyone gradually dispersed up into the dorms until it was just Laney, Kinder, Jen, Alice and I. I prickled with hate as I saw Laney was glaring at me. I'd really had enough of her, to be honest.

"Oh, for God's sake, what?!" I yelled at her. She raised her head higher in the air arrogantly, peering down her elongated nose at me.

"Well, I knew you were a bitch from the minute I saw you, but I never thought you'd stoop as low as to sleep with other people's boyfriends, Evans."

Before I could get a word in, she was gone, hastily followed by Kinder.

"Lily?" Alice was looking at me, slight disgust in her expression. I moved my gaze to Jen, and saw she was looking at me in a pretty similar way. "Is it true?"

I gasped in shock. "Honestly? You really think I'd do that?!"

They looked uneasy, awkward. Good. When they moved their mouths like goldfishes for a few minutes, I decided I knew exactly who I wanted to talk to. I spun on my heel and left the room.

* * *

"I know you probably hate me right now, but I need you."

I'd walked into James' room and instantly began my begging. He looked up from his book – he was as obsessed as me – and took in my straggled appearance: my flyaway hair, my probably smudged mascara, my tatty shorts and vest, now grass stained. I must've looked a right mess, but I guess that's what you get for sleeping outside for so long. I smiled at him awkwardly.

He got up off his bed and walked over to me. "Lily, I don't hate you, I could never hate you; I'm not even pissed at you anymore. That went when nobody could find you! Are you OK?"

I moved to sit on his bed, trying not to make it suggestive. I was just so tired, despite sleeping for ages outside.

"I don't know! Laney seems to think we slept together an–"

"Woah, hold on a minute."

"Oh, sorry, Chrissie," I amended.

He shook his head at me vigorously.

"No, no, I don't actually care what you call her."

Huh. So she wasn't allowed to call me Evans, but I could call her Laney? Strange. I looked at him, perplexed, though he ignored it.

"Anyway, she thinks we slept together?!"

I shrugged. "Or she's faking it."

"Funny. I spoke to her earlier and she was mostly worried about my reaction, she didn't seem bothered about what we actually supposedly did."

I shrugged again. Why was this important? "Well, she might've just said it to try and embarrass me in front of Jen and Alice, who actually might believe her by the way," I added as an afterthought. He didn't comment, just looked at me, his eyebrows raised in astonishment as he began slowly pacing across the room.

"Anyway, I think we're good. Chrissie and I, I mean."

I nodded. I didn't really care to be honest. My random mood swings decided I actually did not want to see James right now; he wasn't being very helpful, anyway. I climbed off his bed and made my way to the door quietly. I crept behind James who was mid-pace.

Suddenly, he spun around to begin his next pace and he crashed right into me.

"Crap! Sorry, Lil–"

He stopped mid sentence as I looked up at him. Again, we had found ourselves in a position where our faces were centimeters apart and his strong arms were around me once again, and it felt so right.

He was still staring at me and I was now staring right back at him. I was taking in every inch of his face, memorizing it as the time now felt right. It felt like he was doing the same to me, and a self-doubting little voice in the back of my mind asked me why he'd even want to. What would he ever find interesting in a girl like me? He had a girlfriend anyway. It was with this thought that I looked down, embarrassed, however I was not going to be the one who walked away from this. He would end this perfect moment; he'd have to.

"Look at me, Lily."

Startled by his whispered words I glanced up at him. His eyes were hypnotic, as well as hypnotized. He was staring at me with an adoration I had never seen in his eyes; rarely seen in anyone's at all. It was confusing to have it directed to me.

He very slowly brought up a muscled hand and, softly as a feather, stroked my face, from my temple to my neck. His hand tightened around my waist and my breathing quickened. His free hand then moved to stroke my hair. Where was this going?!

"James…"

He seemed to be awakened from whatever stupor he was in, snapping back to himself. He quickly removed his hands from me and took one large step back.

"Lily…"

It was evident to me that he had no idea what to say.

"It's OK, James," I assured him, "I'm just going to go… go to bed now."

Fearing I would never want to leave, I briskly left the room and ran down the stairs.

* * *

As I was lying in bed that night I came up with a very plausible explanation of what had happened in James' room.

I felt he was hiding part of himself from everyone. He felt he had a character to remain in; he was trying to be someone he wasn't. That change in his eyes last night - his guard was down. Why was he doing that? That was a stupid way to live; he was wasting his life doing that. He was better than that. James didn't need to pretend for anyone, or he shouldn't, anyway.

I didn't know why he'd gone that far tonight though; it was as if he'd forgotten himself completely.

I went to sleep hoping for and dreading that inevitable moment we would get into a similar situation like that, and wondering if it would ever go further.


	3. Authors Notes - IMPORTANT

Authors notes: Eek. It's been ages since I updated, sorry :L I've basically just had no 'pull' to writing the next chapter. I've just read over the last chapter, and, oh my god, it is awful. You lot did _not_ have to read that! Honestly, I am so unhappy with how it has turned out I'm not going to bother carrying on with it. I kind of knew this would happen – I'd get so far and it wouldn't work; I'd stop writing. I expect what will happen now is that I will write a few oneshots and that maybe have another stab at a novel-length fic. There is a chance I will try writing the next chapter, maybe re-write the first two in a few months time, but not right now. Sorry to just give up like this Thanks for all your reviews, favorites and follows, it's been great and I hope you'll read some other things I will write! Thanks :D


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